Hormonal contraceptives are birth control methods that use synthetic hormones—either estrogen, progestin, or both—to prevent pregnancy. These hormones interfere with the body’s natural menstrual cycle (and social behavior) to make pregnancy less likely.
Hormonal contraceptives work in three main ways:
- Preventing Ovulation – They stop the ovaries from releasing an egg, meaning there is nothing for sperm to fertilize.
- Thickening Cervical Mucus – The mucus in the cervix becomes thicker, making it difficult for sperm to swim through and reach an egg.
- Thinning the Uterine Lining – The lining of the uterus becomes thinner, making it harder for a fertilized egg to implant and grow.
Hormonal Contraceptives Used in Kenya
In Kenya, several hormonal contraceptives are available. These include:
- Birth Control Pills (Oral Contraceptives)
Combined Oral Contraceptives (COCs) – Contain both estrogen and progestin (e.g., Microgynon, Femiplan).
Progestin-Only Pills (POPs) – Suitable for breastfeeding mothers (e.g., Microlut, Exluton).
- Injectable Contraceptives
Depo-Provera (DMPA) – A progestin-only injection given every 3 months.
Sayana Press – A self-injectable version of Depo-Provera, also taken every 3 months.
Noristerat – Another progestin-only injection given every 2 months.
- Implants (Long-Acting Reversible Contraceptives – LARCs)
Jadelle – A set of two rods inserted under the skin of the arm, effective for 5 years.
Implanon NXT – A single rod implant, effective for 3 years.
- Hormonal Intrauterine System (IUS)
Mirena – A T-shaped device placed in the uterus, releasing progestin for up to 5 years.
- Emergency Contraceptive Pills (ECPs)
Postinor-2 – A high-dose progestin pill taken within 72 hours of unprotected sex.
Escapelle – Another single-dose emergency contraceptive.
Kenya’s Ministry of Health provides many of these methods for free or at a subsidized cost in public health facilities, and they are also available in private clinics and pharmacies.
LAKINI…The Tribal Chief Notices that;
Hormonal contraceptives impact various other systems in the body. Here’s how they affect different organs and systems:
- Cardiovascular System
Increased Risk of Blood Clots – Estrogen-containing contraceptives (like combined oral pills) can increase the risk of deep vein thrombosis (DVT), pulmonary embolism, stroke, and heart attacks, especially in smokers and women over 35.
Slightly Elevated Blood Pressure – Some women experience mild increases in blood pressure, which may be a concern for those with (or recovering from) hypertension.
- Metabolic and Nutritional Effects
Weight Changes – Some women gain weight due to fluid retention, increased appetite, or changes in fat distribution.
Altered Lipid Profile – Estrogen can increase HDL (what hospitals call “good” cholesterol) while progestins may increase LDL (“bad” cholesterol), affecting heart health.
Insulin Resistance – Progestin can slightly affect insulin sensitivity,
which may be relevant for women with diabetes or PCOS.
- Digestive System
Nausea and Vomiting – Common in the first few weeks of starting oral contraceptives but often resolves over time.
Liver Effects – In rare cases, long-term use can increase the risk of benign liver tumors and slightly elevate liver enzymes.
- Nervous System and Mental Health
Mood Changes & Depression – Some women experience mood swings, anxiety, or depression, especially with progestin-only methods.
Headaches & Migraines – Estrogen fluctuations can trigger migraines, particularly in women with a history of migraines.
- Reproductive System (Beyond Contraception)
Irregular Bleeding – Some women experience spotting, breakthrough bleeding, or missed periods.
Reduced Libido – Hormonal changes can affect sexual desire in most women.
Vaginal Dryness – Progestin-only methods may reduce natural lubrication, leading to discomfort during sex.
Delayed Fertility Return – After stopping injectable contraceptives like Depo-Provera, it may take several months for fertility to return to normal.
- Immune System
Slightly Increased Risk of Infections – Some studies suggest hormonal contraceptives might alter vaginal flora, increasing the risk of bacterial vaginosis or yeast infections.
Some vaginas smell horribly because of hormonal contraceptives.
- Skeletal System
Bone Density Loss – Long-term use of Depo-Provera is linked to decreased bone mineral density, increasing the risk of osteoporosis, especially in young women.
- Skin and Hair
Acne and Skin Changes – Some pills improve acne, while others (especially progestin-only methods) may worsen it.
Hair Thinning or Growth – Some women experience hair loss, while others notice increased hair growth in unusual places (hirsutism).
- Cancer Risks
Increased Risk of Breast and Cervical Cancer – Some studies suggest a slight increase in breast cancer risk, though this is still debated.
In truth, hormonal contraceptives have wide-ranging effects beyond pregnancy prevention,
influencing cardiovascular health, metabolism, mental well-being, bone density, skin, and even cancer risks.
The impact varies depending on the type of contraceptive and individual health factors.
Do these chemicals affect a woman’s brain chemistry (mind) leading to behavior changes?
Hell Yeah!
Hormonal contraceptives mess with a woman’s brain chemistry in ways that are both fascinating and mildly terrifying.
- They Turn Women Into “Hormonal Zombies”
(Aka: Mood Swings Galore)
Ever wonder why some women on the pill go from “I love you” to “I hate your existence” in five seconds?
That’s hormonal birth control at work.
Estrogen and serotonin are besties – More estrogen means a happier mood.
When you artificially manipulate estrogen levels, serotonin levels wobble, leading to random emotional turbulence.
Progestin, on the other hand, is like that friend who ruins the party –
It can lower dopamine, making some women feel like life is one big Monday morning.
So, if a woman on birth control randomly starts crying over a dog commercial, blame it on the hormonal rollercoaster.
- They Kill the Libido – Like a Wet Blanket on a Fire
Women go on the pill to avoid pregnancy… but then some lose interest in sex altogether. Irony at its finest.
Testosterone, the spicy hormone of desire, takes a hit. The result?
“Babe, not tonight.”
“Babe, not this week.”
“Babe, maybe during the next general elections.”
Birth control raises Sex Hormone Binding Globulin (SHBG), which locks up free testosterone like a strict nun at a Catholic school dance.
The result? Less desire, less pleasure, and sometimes, more dryness than the Sahara Desert down there.
- They Change What Kind of Man She’s Attracted To
This one’s crazy: birth control rewires female mate preferences.
Women on the pill prefer “softer,” less masculine men.
Women off the pill go for the high-testosterone, rugged, “manly-man” types.
Why? Because the pill mimics pregnancy, and when a woman is “pregnant” (hormonally speaking),
her brain tells her to seek stable, nurturing, beta provider types rather than an alpha warrior who could fight off a lion.
So a woman might pick a guy while on the pill, marry him, then get off the pill…
and suddenly think, “Why am I with this loser?” Brutal.
- Anxiety and Depression – The Unwanted Side Effects
Some women on hormonal contraceptives get hit with mood disorders they never had before.
Progestin screws with GABA, the brain’s chill pill neurotransmitter. Less GABA = more anxiety, stress, and random overreactions.
Some women describe it as “feeling like a different person” or “like a cloud over their emotions”—a slow descent into meh territory.
Doctors used to dismiss this, but recent studies have shown that women on birth control are more likely to be prescribed antidepressants.
Coincidence? Nope.
- Memory Changes – They Forget Stuff That Matters
Women on the pill remember emotions more than facts.
Women off the pill remember details, logic, and problem-solving better.
Example:
Off the pill: “The guy at the party was wearing a blue shirt, had an iPhone 13, and smelled like sandalwood.”
On the pill: “I just remember feeling weird about him.”
Birth control hijacks memory processing, making emotional recall stronger while logical recall gets weaker.
If a woman on the pill suddenly forgets where she put her keys
but remembers how sad she felt when she lost them, now you know why.
- The “Nice Girl” Effect (Aka: They Get Less Aggressive)
Testosterone fuels dominance, competition, and risk-taking—and since birth control lowers it, many women get… well, a little less feisty.
More agreeable, less confrontational.
Less likely to take risks.
More likely to avoid conflicts rather than face them head-on.
Great if she’s trying to be more “pleasant,”
but bad if she needs to be assertive in business, negotiations, or fighting off annoying people.
Hormonal birth control works wonders for pregnancy prevention,
but it’s also a neurological science experiment happening inside millions of women every day.
If a woman starts birth control and her personality changes overnight, it’s not in her head—it’s in her brain chemistry.
Science says so.
And that, my friend, is why birth control isn’t just about stopping babies—it’s about rewriting how a woman thinks, feels, and even who she loves.
It is even crazier in the office…
Imagine managing a team where half the workforce is on a biochemical rollercoaster that even they don’t fully understand.
One week, they’re laser-focused and productive.
The next? They’re crying over a misplaced stapler, giving you the death stare for breathing too loudly, and avoiding work like it’s a haunted house.
You Will Need The Birth Control Office Survival Guide for Managers
- Mood Swings: From Angel to Office Tyrant in 3.5 Seconds
You walk into the office, say “Good morning,” and suddenly—BAM!—someone slams their laptop shut like you just insulted their ancestors.
Hormonal fluctuations mean one day she’s the best employee you’ve ever had, and the next, she’s plotting your downfall in her head.
- The Productivity Lottery
Week 1: She’s handling projects like a machine, outpacing the entire team.
You think, Wow, she deserves a raise!
Week 2: She spends half the day staring at her screen, pretending to work,
and the other half eating snacks while scrolling through Instagram.
Week 3: She’s suddenly emotional about the font size in a report.
Week 4: She’s back in beast mode.
You never know what you’re getting, but it’s definitely not stability.
- The Decision-Making Chaos
Since birth control affects how women process risk and emotions, sometimes they make odd decisions.
“We should completely change the project direction.”
“I don’t feel like this data is right.”
“I need three weeks to recover from that slightly tense email.”
Meanwhile, you’re just sitting there like, What is happening?
- The Mystery of Unexplained Sick Days
Hormonal contraceptives can cause fatigue, migraines, nausea, and general “meh” vibes.
“I’m not feeling well today.”
“I think my hormones are off.”
“I need a mental health day.”
You can’t argue, because if you do, you’re “insensitive”—
even though you’re the one suffering the consequences of the missing workload.
- Office Drama That Wasn’t There Before
The passive-aggressive emails increase.
The silent treatments last longer.
The random emotional outbursts appear out of nowhere.
One moment, the team is collaborating.
The next, someone’s fighting back tears because “Sarah didn’t use the right emoji in Slack.”
- The Weird Attraction Shift
Oh, and let’s not forget how birth control messes with what kind of men women find attractive.
She starts dating a soft, sensitive, “nice guy” coworker.
She goes off birth control.
She suddenly realizes she actually wants the alpha in accounting.
Boom—HR nightmare.
How Intelligent Managers Survive This Madness
- Set clear expectations – No one cares about hormones when deadlines are missed.
- Create a buffer for mood-swing weeks – Expect some slow days and make up for them in advance.
- Recognize when it’s “just the hormones” – Not every outburst is personal. Stay calm.
- Encourage breaks – Let them take their hormonal rage out on a coffee cup, not you.
- Avoid office romance discussions at all costs.
At the end of the day, hormonal contraceptives are a chemical cocktail that makes managing women slightly unpredictable.
Respect to all the managers out there navigating this storm without losing their sanity!
OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE OFFICE OF THE TRIBAL CHIEF
SUBJECT: THE BAN ON HORMONAL CONTRACEPTIVES – EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY
To all men and women under the rule of The Tribal Chief,
After careful evaluation of the effects of hormonal contraceptives on our women, our homes, and our workplaces,
The Tribal Chief has made a firm and final decision:
HORMONAL CONTRACEPTIVES ARE HEREBY BANNED – EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.
This decision is not just about health—it is about restoring order, stability, and sanity to our Tribe.
WHY WE CAN NO LONGER ALLOW HORMONAL CONTRACEPTIVES
- They Create Emotional Instability
We cannot build a strong tribe when our women’s moods change like the weather.
One day she is full of love and joy, the next she is on the warpath because of “something you said last week.”
The hormonal rollercoaster is no longer welcome in our homes or our offices.
- They Kill Desire and Attraction
A woman should desire her man naturally. But hormonal contraceptives kill her fire, making her cold and uninterested.
Some even trick her brain into choosing weak men, only for her to wake up one day and wonder why she ever settled.
This ends now.
- They Turn Workplaces into Battlefields
A tribe must be productive.
We cannot afford to have random outbursts, office gossip, and unexplained sick days because of synthetic hormones messing with brain chemistry.
We need sharp, focused minds—not mood swings and unexplained fatigue.
- They Harm Long-Term Health
Blood clots, increased cancer risks, brittle bones, depression, anxiety—this is not the future we want for our women.
Healthy women create strong families, and strong families create an unshakable tribe.
- They Destroy Natural Female Balance
A woman’s natural cycle is a powerful biological clock that should not be disrupted by artificial chemicals.
The Tribe values hormonal balance, fertility awareness, and nature’s wisdom.
WHAT MEN MUST DO INSTEAD
A strong man does not rely on chemicals to manage his family.
He takes responsibility like a leader:
✔ Practice Fertility Awareness – Understand her cycle, act accordingly.
✔ Use Natural Spacing Methods – If you must plan, do so wisely. Remember our topic on semen retention and Dry Orgasms? Yeah.
✔ Consider Non-Hormonal Alternatives – The copper IUD (if needed) allows a woman to remain herself.
✔ Be a Disciplined Man – The Chief does not fear responsibility—neither should you.
Moody, unstable homes? Dead bedrooms? Office drama? These are things of the past.
IF YOU ARE ALREADY USING HORMONAL CONTRACEPTIVES
You have until Saturday evening to remove them. No excuses.
No extensions. The Tribe will move forward with clear minds and stable emotions.
THE GOODNESS OF BEING HORMONAL CONTRACEPTIVE-FREE
✔ Women regain their natural attraction and desire for strong men.
✔ Homes become peaceful, filled with real emotions—not artificial mood swings.
✔ Workplaces function smoothly without unexplained emotional outbursts.
✔ Women’s natural cycles and health are restored, leading to stronger future generations.
✔ Men take charge of their families with wisdom, not relying on pharmaceutical control.
FINAL WORDS: RESTORING SANITY TO THE TRIBE
This is a new era. A strong, disciplined, and hormonally balanced tribe.
No more chemically-induced chaos.
No more weak, attraction-killing hormones.
No more synthetic control over our women.
We are reclaiming nature’s design, our strength, and our sanity.
THE BAN IS FINAL. THE DECISION IS ABSOLUTE.
By Orders of The Tribal Chief
